I have an aversion to commitment.
There have been far too many times when life has been scattered painfully around my feet for me to want to stay for the course. This led to a lifetime of confusion and a lack of trust in choices and people.
It must have happened early on in my life because I can’t remember a time I didn’t have this fear to make choices that are of benefit to me and my creative fulfilment, not to mention my happiness and well-being.
Perhaps, that is why I have sat on this post for weeks or maybe it is because I am paralysed by overwhelm, over the magnitude of ‘the wildness of my garden’ by that I mean, my mind. I am sure you too are finding with the continual bombardment of news, either at 6 pm or 10 pm or every second on social media that it is all too much and what can you do, how can you help, but then the guilt and shame flood in and you feel trivial and nonsensical in your weak approach to saving the world.
I find it quite easy to default to this dramatic, yet truly felt weight upon my shoulders and it can weigh me down for days, weeks even as I try and dissect my responsibilities, privilege and horror of the human behaviour that leads us into this world of greedy battle with innocents, the cost of which can never be known.
And yes, maybe this is too much for this late…first post but I want you to know that although I will quite happily play and let my imagination run wild, I will also sit with you, while I sit with myself and cradle my own mental health, while I explore my own creative process, while I ask the world why it is crying and how I can soothe its soul, your soul. I do not have the answers, nor the solutions, and I am incredibly uneducated when it comes to the troubles of the world. But I know troubles of my own and I hope I can shine that torch to lead the way, in some way for us all to come together, one day.
I have an aversion to commitment, yes, but I am determined, and compassionate and will keep getting up again and again until I realise I have committed to myself all along.
As I sit here writing to you I wonder ‘What it is that you need to say to yourself?’ ‘What do you need to say to the person that is sitting in any of the warzones today?’ this is what I asked my beautiful Friday writing companions as we sat with each other with helpless hearts in our weekly writing session. If you feel called to, share with me what you write or create as you reflect.
These are my thoughts:
Powerless, we sit on two sides of this earth.
We feel the rumbles of its pain through our bodies.
I with my sixth sense, you with all of your senses.
Our fear and helplessness are distinguished, only by hope.
I sit warm, with the TV for company, switching channels like my emotions
Trying to fill the void left by the grief and guilt swamping my privileged brain
Watching violent action movies to trick my subconscious into believing I am there with you.
Yet, I can only hold you in my heart.
I do not know how to hold your hand and lift you up.
My prayers, unanswered, and my questions too
My disgust for myself, aimed like bullets at those
Who made choices, on our behalf?
Not mine. Never mine.
I wonder what we would say to one another if we met
Would you comfort me in my pain?
I believe so.
Mine is little yours is vast - can I ever carry that for you, comfort you?
We would cry in unison at our collective grief, our commonality but not our only one
We, both humans, both dismayed, both suffered at the hands of soulless men.
I wish I could tell you that war upon you would never happen again
But we would both laugh sarcastically, painfully
Knowing that for thousands of years, our ancestors have been displaced
By the greed.
And what could WE do differently to change that?
In my head I am Boudica, in reality, I am just Sam, who lives in a townhouse
Quietly, wishing she was more, wishing she was invincible
For You, for the children
Who will never grow old.
I ask, how can they stand by and allow this all to happen?
But what I am truly asking
Is, how can I?
I’m always seeking that one word that will take the guilt from my soul
and give me the superpower strength to stand for something more
No, not a hero, this is not as black and white as being a white saviour.
A human being, that takes action on her soul's words
I don’t know where I came from but I want to create a world
where we all belong, we are all safe from directed harm,
Where greed does not lead our people
Kindness does.
And you would tell me to step down from my cloud and grab a gun.
Would I die for you? Spiritually a peace of me dies each day.
Would I give my life for yours?
How would that help?
Am I sitting here writing for nothing? Are my words unheard?
How will I ever know if my actions, here
Stopped the bullet that could have killed you, there
I will not.
So I write anyway, believing that it can stop wars, can wipe out greed
And keep you safe instead.
You’re a fool, you say
Then I ask, have you ever read anything that has moved you so much
It has changed your life?
The answer, yes.
While I write I feel I am holding you, perhaps in your last moment
I want you to know you are loved, cherished, valued
For you to believe by being here in this world for the time you were given, you did good
That your smile made a difference, your laugh intoxicated others as much as the gas that lingers on the wind of war.
These were your superpowers, your legacy one day will teach someone a different way
That is all I can pray for now you are gone
The hope lives on.
The Ink pen, Is a weapon of peace, A wand of light, A hand held out to help others up.
Love & Magic, Sam
An introduction to what is coming up and how you can subscribe to ‘Whispers from My Wild Garden’ is coming up. For now please visit my ‘About’ section on the Subsctack app.